Monthly Archives: February 2010

Something I Wish I Could Understand…

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Its been a busy month and half.

January was rough because I was facing a bit of a crossroads with my job. My JOB- not my pajama project which I want to be a healthy chuck of my income eventually.  Just to remind you all, I live in Japan, and I work for an English conversation school.  I’ve been there for two years and on several occasions had thought of going for a promotion. I always had the support of my managers, I just backed off each time because I just wasn’t sure I wanted all the changes in lifestyle that would go with a promotion.

During the New Year break, I noticed a new job opening within my company, and finally convinced myself to apply for it.  I went back and forth on this a lot because, I had a feeling that if I applied, I’d get it. I was never stressed about not getting the position, I was stressed about actually getting it.  Somehow, I was hoping for the phone call or email starting out with “Thank you for your interest in the ~ position, however…”  If that answer had come, I would have breathed a sigh of relief and thought Well I tried and now I know I’m just not cut out for anything more than this, so I can relax and concentrate on teaching a lot of lessons, hang out with my cat, and make pajamas without ever wondering if would have gotten somewhere in a conventional line of work- glad THAT’S over!

That call never came. In fact I waited about two weeks longer than I felt normal before getting a call offering the position, which I accepted. Yes, I applied against all good sense, and then accepted the position all the while white knuckling, hoping for “disappointment”.  My mind works this way. Its how I defeat pessimism.  I don’t expect the worst and hope for the best, I expect the best and hope for the worst. That way, I am never completely disappointed (^^).

So this is why I didn’t say much in January- as you can guess the outcome of that application directly affects the main reason I started this blog.  I want so much more to tell everyone what I am doing with my handmade pajamas, to have something to say, to motivate myself.  As for February, I have been training in Tokyo for the new position and so my commute time has cut into some of the free time I was enjoying.  I have been getting home at 11:30 some nights. My days off I have been enjoying doing nothing at home. I have been scheduling my days off somewhat erratically, and more of them have coincided with Yo’s days off than before.  I have decided that this needs to not happen so much. I get even lazier on days that he is home (hard to motivate myself to sew when I must clean first, while watching him play his online game for 12 hours straight- at least he’s home and its cheap entertainment), unless we have a plan to go somewhere, which turns out being very stressful anyway. So small doses. More me time.

So the thing I wish I could understand is, with my last post of New Year resolutions being clouded by this new development is- why did I march straight into something I knew would result in my failing to do the other things I really wanted to do?  I’m not regretting it yet. The job is okay so far. I am just as exhausted as I predicted I would be. So I wish I could understand my own rationale behind the things I do.  All I can come up with so far is that the experience will be valuable. It’s so intangible! Pajamas are tangible.

Love and PEACE!! (^^)V